If zombies attack, Buffalo is screwed
blog by S.J. Velasquez • April 11, 2012 @ 8:28am
Scientists have stated that the impending zombie apocalypse will be terrifically horrifying for the human race, so it’s best to be prepared with all the zombie-fighting essentials.
I’m kidding. Totally kidding.
But in the case that zombies were to attack the living, Buffalo will be prime brain-eating territory—that’s what this Map of the Dead predicts, anyway. Parts of the map in red are considered “danger zones,” which probably refers to high zombie activity. Zoom in on Buffalo and notice that the entire city is doused in red.
In the words of Kristin Cavallari, “dunzo.” I mean, if you’ve seen the inside of the Main Place Mall lately, imagine what it will be like when it’s all “Dawn of the Dead.”
Thankfully, Western New Yorkers do have a few good things going for them:
- As zombie escape strategist Ben Kirst—again, kidding, he’s my boss—points out, there’s a chance the historically high levels of pollution in the Buffalo-Niagara region could retard zombie reanimation. My fear is that such toxins in the atmosphere might contribute to mutant zombies.
- We’re on the Canadian border, and the grass is a lot greener on the other side. Southern Ontario barely registers for living dead activity on the map. Assuming zombies cannot swim or operate watercrafts, we could cross over to Canada and destroy all bridges connecting the two countries. Granted, this is just a temporary fix as zombies enter from other US-Canada border cities, it might give us some time to think of a plan.
- If Buffalo can find a vaccine for cancer, we can surely destroy zombie-ism.