Buffalo Bills schedule: Perfection is possible
blog by Ben Tsujimoto • April 18, 2012 @ 9:07am
The National Football League released its full 256-game slate for the 2012 season last night, and the Bills were on it! That’s victory #1. Highlights include the season opener at the New York Jets, the Week 11 prime-time match-up against the Miami Dolphins on NFL Network and the final home game of the year vs. the Jets in Week 17, hopefully with playoff implications. We think, however, that more than will be on the line than merely the playoffs—Buffalo has the third easiest schedule, after all!
Week 1: 9/9—@New York Jets, 1 p.m. on CBS. Prediction: Buffalo’s Mario Williams sacks Mark Sanchez immediately, and Jets fans at MetLife Stadium begin to call for Tim Tebow before halftime. Rex Ryan massages—then tickles—his own feet for solace. WIN
Week 2: 9/16—home vs. Kansas City Chiefs, 1 p.m. on CBS. Prediction: Stevie Johnson accidentally hurts Eric Berry again with a perfectly legal block, ending his second consecutive season. SJ13 then drops more fake babies, but they’re donning Eric Berry masks on this time. WIN
Week 3: 9/23—@Cleveland Browns, 1 p.m. on CBS. Prediction: Browns draft pick Trent Richardson bowls over Bills linebackers to prove that he truly is a mutant, but a nervous Colt McCoy fails to pick apart an overachieving Bills’ secondary led by Aaron Williams. WIN
Week 4: 9/30—home vs. New England Patriots, 1 p.m. on CBS. Prediction: Before he arrives in WNY, Tom Brady insults Buffalo’s lack of a halal food truck, female models and even-numbered cable stations, and the city becomes so defensive that Brady goes missing. With only the unpredictable yet suspiciously chill Ryan Mallett to lead the way for New England, Buffalo upsets Belichick’s Pats. WIN
Week 5: 10/7—@San Francisco, 4:15 p.m. on CBS. Prediction: All the lights go out in Candlestick Park—not the first time!—forcing the ‘9ers to forfeit. Jim Harbaugh wants to start a fight with Chan Gailey after the forfeit is confirmed, but Gailey’s facial symmetry will have none of it. Buffalo moves to 5-0 with a little good fortune. WIN
Week 6: 10/14—@Arizona Cardinals, 4:15 p.m. on CBS. Prediction: AZ quarterback Kevin Kolb still hasn’t recovered from his lingering concussion woes, and Beanie Wells gets laughed at because of his nickname. With only Larry Fitzgerald as a threat, the Bills cruise to an easy 30-point victory. WIN
Week 7: 10/21—home vs. Tennessee Titans, 1 p.m. on CBS. Prediction: A resurgent Jake Locker gives the Bills the most trouble they’ve faced yet, but the curse of head coach Mike Munchak—who was a Houston Oiler when Frank Reich directed Buffalo’s historic comeback—proves too much. WIN
Week 8: BYE WEEK. Chris Kelsay surprisingly pulls ahead in the beard-growing contest with Ryan Fitzpatrick, and outsiders suspect illegal beard supplements.
Week 9: 11/04—@Houston Texans, 1 p.m. on CBS. Prediction: As usual, the second half of the season begins and Matt Schaub, Arian Foster and Owen Daniels are all inactive due to injury. The depleted Texans can’t keep up with the Bills’ offense either, as Tyler Thigpen plays the entire second half in mop-up duty. First round draft pick Dre Kirkpatrick records his sixth interception, which leads all rookies. WIN
Week 10: 11/11—@New England Patriots, 1 p.m. on CBS. Prediction: Since it’s 11/11, the Bills make a wish for the Pats to be caught for Spygate Part II, and the dream comes true. New England forfeits the remainder of the season, and Buffalo holds a commanding lead atop the AFC East. WIN
Week 11: 11/15—home vs. Miami Dolphins, 8:20 p.m. on NFL Network. Prediction: Miami, having fired Mike Sherman and regretted the selection of Ryan Tannehill to lead the franchise, is the laughingstock of the league. Many Buffalo fans are hostile that they can’t witness the AFC East beat-down because no one can see the NFL Network, but the game sells out. WIN
Week 12: 11/25—@Indianapolis Colts, 1 p.m. on CBS. Prediction: With Andrew Luck mired in a Peyton-Manning-like rookie season, the Colts still haven’t won a game to this point of the season. WIN
Week 13: 12/2—home vs. Jacksonville Jaguars, 1 p.m. on CBS. Prediction: Angry that they failed to lure Tim Tebow back to Florida, the Jags only make headlines because Blaine Gabbert regularly falls asleep from Mike Mularkey’s vanilla play-calling. Maurice Jones-Drew was traded earlier in the season to the Redskins, creating an unreal 1-2 punch with Robert Griffin III. WIN
Week 14: 12/9—home vs. St. Louis Rams, 1 p.m. on FOX. Prediction: Steven Jackson’s dreadlocks get stuck in the helmet of Buffalo linebacker Nick Barnett, and Jackson cannot return. The Bills sail to another victory, closing in on an undefeated season. WIN
Week 15: 12/16—home in Toronto vs. Seattle Seahawks, 4:05 p.m. on FOX. Prediction: Marshawn Lynch winds up at Ralph Wilson Stadium instead of the Rogers Centre for unspecified reasons, and Pete Carroll’s crew of former USC players performs just like a college team should. WIN
Week 16: 12/23—@Miami Dolphins, 1 p.m. on CBS. Prediction: By this point, Ryan Tannehill has pulled an Akili Smith and Cade McNown, no longer interested in being an NFL quarterback because of a circus-like team situation. Fred Jackson runs for two scores and has his sights set on the NFL MVP. WIN
Week 17: 12/30—home vs. New York Jets, 1 p.m. on CBS. Prediction: Tim Tebow has been baptizing opponents throughout the regular season en route to a wild-card berth, so he sacrifices the team’s 11th win so the Buffalo Bills can enjoy a season of perfection. You just can’t script a better ending.
It can happen, right?