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Deadspin’s ‘Why Your Team Sucks’ series nails Buffalo

blog by Ben Tsujimoto  • 

Deadspin—the sports website owned by Gawker—featured the Buffalo Bills today in a continuation of the “Why Your Team Sucks” series of articles.

Drew Magary, who also writes the weekly Funbag on Deadspin, is tasked with eviscerating not only the football teams, but also the cities from which the teams hail. The Gawker affiliate’s motto is “sports news without favor, access or discretion,” and Magary didn’t restrain himself from hurling insults toward Buffalo. While Deadspin’s regular readers—and commenters—often heartily chuckle, casual fans absolutely freak out. Vikings punter Chris Kluwe wasn’t so pleased. Here are a few:

You take pride in the Goo Goo Dolls, which no reasonable person should do. You get married before age 20 because there’s nothing else to do. It’s as if someone airlifted a chunk of northern Alaska and dropped it down 4,000 miles to the southeast.

I have a picture in my head of 80,000 old people crammed into Ralph Wilson Stadium, all trying to pay for their beers with a check.

There are just three problems: 1.) All of these players will fall prey to injury before Week 8, because God hates Buffalo; 2.) Stevie Johnson, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Super Mario, and Mark Anderson all got paid, which means all of them will now have carte blanche to suck; 3.) Chan Gailey is still the coach.

Even if Bill Belichick and the ghost of Bill Walsh were placed in charge of this team, they would still be so thoroughly crippled by both their locale and their stadium situation that they’d be doomed to fail anyway. The Bills are horrible.

To put the nail in the coffin, Magary lists responses from Bills “fans” that actually admit why Buffalo sucks. Given the team’s recent history—and the propensity of Bills fans (heck, all fans) to occasionally wallow in cathartic self-loathing—there’s no question that fans aren’t blind to the franchise’s plight.

Magary isn’t entirely factually accurate—he gets the Demetress Bell story switched around—but the purpose here isn’t to be truthful or analytical. The series sends die-hard fans into a fit of irrational rage, preying off the extreme defensive nature that people have for football and their respective cities. Hey, we were guilty in the Tom Brady-hotel saga.

When you don’t take the Deadspin story offensively, it’s actually pretty funny.

TAGGED: buddy nix, buffalo bills, buffalo bills fans, chan gailey, deadspin, nfl humor, ryan fitzpatrick, why your team sucks

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