Fred Jackson doesn’t look like a slob, does he?
blog by Ben Kirst • August 30, 2011 @ 11:16am
You win, jersey-wearers. There’s no going back. You’re going to spend $110, $120 to wear a shirt built to withstand the impact of Troy Polamalu and the winters of frigid Chicago while you scarf down beer and nachos. You love your team! Good for you. I love my team, too, but don’t feel compelled to wear the uniform. I’m the odd man out. I get it.
Anyhow: if you’re going to wear your jersey, and I admit that the new Bills gear is pretty sweet (especially the whites), then please follow a few simple rules to make sure you don’t look like a sloppy mess.
1.) Get a jersey that fits. Hey fatso, I know it’s comfortable to wear that XXXL Stevie Johnson jersey, but your PJs are comfortable too, and you don’t wear those outside, either (and if you do, check rule #3). The thing is, gentlemen of certain carriage, is that a giant, baggy jersey actually makes you look fatter. Unless you’re rolling with Wiz Khalifa’s crew, get a jersey that is roughly the same size as a shirt you would normally wear. And ladies—always go with the girl-cut jerseys. Otherwise, you look like you borrowed your big brother’s old Maybin jersey, and that just looks awful.
2.) You get a one-season amnesty on former players / outdated designs. Times are tough and money is tight. If you laid out $90 on a Lee Evans jersey last season, you can wear it throughout 2011 without disgrace. Same goes for your old Posluszny jersey, your old Maybin jersey (why?) or your old Keith Ellison jersey. There are two exceptions: first, if a player leaves in disgrace, you can’t wear the jersey anymore (see Edwards, Trent or McGahee, Willis). Second, never put duct-tape over the player’s name. That’s redneck.
3.) Wear pants, for crying out loud. Like the oversized jersey, it may be more comfortable to wear warmups, sweats or even the dreaded pajama pants to a game. Unless you are eight years old (and why are you bringing your kids to a game, parents?) then you need to wear jeans, heavy khakis or shorts. You are a grown-up. Unless you are going to the gym or running to the store around the corner, you need to wear pants.
4.) Zubaz is done. It’s not ironic anymore, it’s just stupid. Wear Zubaz and you’re the guy who’s still spouting “Anchorman” lines at parties. Just stop.
5.) Know what you’re getting into when you wear opposing colors. You’re the guy that needs to wear the Dolphins jersey to the Miami game. Or the Patriots jersey to the New England game. Or the Cowboys jersey to any game. Now, no one deserves to get beat up, but if you are a.) drunk, b.) obnoxious and c.) getting your drunk, obnoxious ass into other people’s equally drunk and obnoxious faces, don’t be shocked and appalled when beers, snowballs, garbage, fists and other projectiles are directed towards you. It’s not that you’re asking for it, but yeah, you’re kind of asking for it.
Disagree? Tell me where I’m wrong in the comments. I’ve been to as many games as you have, though, and I know I’m right.